It happened like this. First, I came to Mongolia, a country that was never on my list, and I taught some of the best students in the world. I mean, sure, some of them made me want to pull my hair out, but by and large, even the kids who were kinda turdy got it, and would straighten up their act with a reminder. And the ones who weren't? Well, they kind of ruined me for teaching, because in the years since they graduated, I realized that they were actually just the best kids ever; it wasn't something magical in the water or the pollution in the air making me hallucinate, it was just those kids were that good. So good that I wanted to be a better teacher.
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| "Long Line of Cars," 2022 |
Now, it's not that I didn't want to be good at my job. I did. I still do. It's just that there are a lot - a LOT - of days where I just do not tap into the Superteachah* mojo. I put in my hours, I make everything work...I am just left with the nagging suspicion at the end of the day that I could do better. I could do more. Admittedly, this is probably part of the reason that it's taken me 20 years to feel burnt out in my career, but regardless, because of these amazing, awesome kids I used to teach, I decided I would try. By the time I left Mongolia at the end of the first five years, I was accepted to an online MA program for art education, and off I went to teach in Japan.
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| "The Floating World," 2023 |
If you're reading this already, you've no doubt heard the next part of the story, mostly because it's been a struggle to blog much since the time of the pandemic (at least in part because I was creating art for my exit strategy), so chances are you've been here since before then. The cliffnotes version is this: I started my MA in art ed by taking a painting course, and almost immediately wished I was doing a studio art program instead. Ironically enough, when I finally slogged my way through my dual bachelor's degrees, I told myself that if I ever went back to school, my master's would be in art, NOT education. Back then, all my classmates were already feeling the pressure to start one, and I figured it was 6 of one, half a dozen of another - wasn't being a better artist going to make me a better art teacher? But I was already on the path, so I carried on, even though living near Tokyo meant being surrounded by art in a place that was a constant source of personal inspiration. Still, ever since, I've been struck by the nagging sensation that I didn't just want to be an art teacher, I wanted to be an artist. This coincided with the unshakable feeling that I didn't have much time left with my parents, so I finally decided that it wouldn't be as bad to go back to the States if I went as a student instead of a teacher, and started preparing myself to do so.
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| "Migration," 2024 |
I ended up being a little too late, but I guess that's something I'll eventually stop regretting.
I wasn't originally going to apply to the Minneapolis College of Art and Design. I had my eyes glazed over thinking about the kind of top school I've always wished I could have gone to for my undergrad, in a big city, with some full scholarships on offer. It was kind of a fluke that I got together with friends from Korea last summer, but talking to them made me think maybe I would enjoy living in Minneapolis, and should apply to MCAD. I visited 20 years ago, back before this whole thing got started, helping my mentor teacher chaperone a group of NAHS students, so I knew it was a good school in a good city, but until I met up with Mark and Emily, it hadn't been on my radar. But when I had a portfolio review with their MFA director in November and they sent me a code to waive my application fee, I figured Why The Hell Not?
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| "Ghost in the Graveyard," 2023 |
The rejections I got were devastating. I knew from the start that there are more applicants than spaces for most MFA programs, but I was really hoping I'd find myself living it up at a top art school with a full ride scholarship. They say, though, that God doesn't close a door without opening a window - in my case, to help me to be in the right place, doing the right things - and this time the window opened up in Minneapolis. And when I looked into it seriously, I realized this was exactly the right place for me.
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| "Hard as a Rock," 2022 |
For starters, I'm probably not "art world elite" material. What I mean is, I think the kind of students that get accepted to those schools talk the Big Talk (with lots of jargony words) and walk with their feet a few inches off the ground. Their admissions officers certainly made it seem that way. I think I'm a pretty good artist (when I'm assessing my work critically and objectively, and not under the knife of my imposter syndrome), and I love art - I want to make more of it, and to get better at it. The people I've talked to from MCAD feel down-to-earth in a way that makes me feel safe doing so.
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| "Near Shore, Far Shore," 2023 |
So that's it. After 20 years, I'm out. I've mostly gotten over the panic attacks from knowing I won't be traveling for a while, and have moved on to the stage of knowing I will be able to get what I need at the supermarket, and that when I order something at a restaurant I won't constantly hear, "Bah-kwei." I feel relieved that I'll only be responsible for my own behavior for a while, rather than worrying about the fact that I can't get my students to turn in their work or wear their uniform appropriately. This probably isn't sayonara to teaching, but it's at least going to be a nice, long jannei.
*Aishiiii, Superteachah! I went through one of my old sketchbooks when I went home to say goodbye, and it had ALL THE MEMORIES.
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