An Absolute Shit Show

Behold - I am about to tell you a tale about a night at a museum.  Herein may be the Japaneeziest of all the experiences I've had while leaving in Japan.  Because tonight, I am not just writing about any old museum.  Oh, no.  Tonight I am regaling you with stories (and lots of really shitty jokes) from Yokohama's new Unko Museum.  That is to say, the Poop Museum.

Before my life as an expat, I can honestly say I never gave much thought to pooping.  It was something everyone does, but it wasn't exactly a common discussion topic for me.  Maybe that has to do with my upbringing, I'm not sure.  Suffice it to say that this changed when I moved to Korea in 2004.  At first I thought it was because one of my partner teachers was kind of a fecalphiliac.  Or hell, if not that, she at least found a much wider range of things acceptable to chat about, and had fewer filters.

What I gradually came to realize, though, is that back home, there's really no need to discuss the deuces you're dropping.  You kind of know what to expect when building a log cabin.  Once you break out of that safe zone, crazy shit starts to happen.  Literally.  For example, the grape juice we used to give our kids at snack time would turn your poop green.  This, of course, must be described and discussed at length, in order to truly appreciate the experience.  My point - long-winded as it may be - is that the days when I'd hesitate to go to a museum about poop are long gone.

Although, if I'm being honest, it was pretty shitty as far as museums go.  There was really nothing educational about it.  Sometime in the last couple of years these things started popping up - Instagrammable experiences marketed as museums.  That shit is pretty much for the birds, but since I didn't make it to Tokyo in time for the thing I was hoping to be writing about right now, I guess it worked out okay.  It cost a shit ton of money, but my good friend Sensei treated myself and the Director, in celebration of the fact that one of the biggest shits we work with was on his way out.  We joked about bringing him a poop souvenir - Sensei taught us that "un" can mean luck in Japanese, to which I chimed in that "ko" means little, and as we headed over to Asobiru we snickered at the idea of wishing him "little luck."

But enough about that - you want to know about the so-called museum.  After standing in line for a good 15 minutes, we gathered into a small space with our new "unko friends" to watch animated poop on a tv screen and cheer, "Unko!"  We were then ushered into a second room, full of colorful, numbered thrones, upon which we were instructed to sit and try our best to squeeze one out.  A magical sound filled the space, and when we looked in the pot, behold, there was a mystical turd.  I was somewhat jealous the Director's golden poo, and pointed out that it made her a Lannister.*

After that, it was kind of a magical mystery tour of photo ops, all featuring that swirly shape, although none of them seemed to be brown or stinky.  There was one small section with games and gag gifts from all over the world, which - as Sensei pointed out - showed that no matter where you’re from, we all recognize that shape as being poop.  Although I have to point out, as an art teacher, that most animals don’t create turds of delightful stacked swirls.

The Poo Princess tea party was just a little too reminiscent of the strawberry dolly buffet we went to back in March.  Also, the soft, pastel colors used throughout the unko museum had the unnerving effect of making me want dessert.  Probably not the reaction you should have, but as I already pointed out, poop generally isn’t really that shape.  Ice cream, on the other hand...

My favorite of the photo ops was the lantern room, a clear knock-off of the one at TeamLab Borderless, except that it was smaller, had turd-shaped lanterns, and you didn't have to wait 20 minutes to go through.  No, the bigger wait was to play one of the video games starring poop.  The lines were filled with little shitheads and since I’m not that kind of nerd, I gave it a pass.  We finally made our way out via the gift shop, where we brainstormed a lot of MUCH better merch they should be selling - turd-shaped chocolates, for example.  One thing that was slightly tempting was the pink poop hat that some of the staff were wearing (“Guess he’s got a pretty shitty job,” quipped the Director).  I had visions of taking it to Mongolia with me and making the kids wear it when they act up, but I have a feeling it would cause more problems than it would solve, because they would ALL want to wear it.

So why do I say that this is the most Japanese of all experiences I've had here?  Well, although I’ve definitely opened up when it comes to talking about poop since my innocent college days, I still don’t think we are as comfortable talking or joking about “dropping the kids off at the pool” back home as people are in Asia generally.  Japan, though, takes it to a whole new level.  Whether it’s the vast ass-ortment of poop toys available at Daiso or a dating sim where the cute boys you are trying to charm are based on kinds of poop, Japan has more toilet humor than anywhere else in the world I’ve been.  Although this kind of experience/museum can be found anywhere in the world, I feel like only in Japan would you find one dedicated to crap.  On the off chance that another place did make one, it could never be as kawaii, because that’s di-stink-tly Japanese as well.  So while sumo and kabuki, festivals and even robot restaurants are all well and good, I’d still argue that the Unko Museum captures the spirit of modern Japan more truly than any other  experience I’ve had.

*If you've never watched or read Game of Thones - there are a few of you out there - the joke is that this family is so rich that they shit gold.